Memory Lode

suburban-red-maple

The old man has been drifting in time a lot, today.
“I want to thank you for inviting me down to visit you,” he says.
I say, yes, it’s been a good fourteen years.

And in the yellow living room
I feel those years in colored layers,
the golden joys, their complicated weavings
with things I was regretting then
and things I would regret later,
the efforts of my striving
for things that had great merit
and others that, perhaps, were ill advised

The times of clearing
where previous intentions
washed like watercolors
into pools of indistinct brightness,
with lines I sketched on them
and called learning

The fleeting pride, the taut hopes,
some realized, some still waiting,
buried under years
of leaf fall, winters, springs

Yes, it’s been a good fourteen years,
bright and dark, and rich in all I can imagine.
And the goodness will continue,
each unfinished thing, in its time, redeemed,
all the blessings brought to full view.

©Wendy Mulhern
October 28, 2016

granddad-explains-molding

Traveling in Time and Space

eldorado-canyon-entrance

We move through the decades
as we roll down the freeway —
canyon-carved perceptions,
memories’ intersections —
long-past things, revealed,
inhabit present time

And how important is it, after all,
to keep track of generations,
to be anchored in any time?
Maybe at this point it’s enough
to gravitate to the wells of kindness,
the sweet spots where you feel
nourished and accepted,
those same places you’ve always looked for,
the ones you’ll always call home.

©Wendy Mulhern
September 21, 2016

My Watch

Granddad Aug 2016

I stand an easy guard,
I listen as you loop through memories,
time having lost all traction —
you were president of the molder’s union,
your wife was your typist,
your uncle John in Ireland
was a big hit with all the navy hot shots

These are the safe places,
sunk in the past
where it doesn’t matter
what facts are changed

I watch against the places
where your story
lurches into the present
and you think this is your brother’s house,
think I am his wife —
you think you need to find your home,
you think you need to leave

I wait here with the mission
to head off your concern,
to keep it clear that you are home
and we are family,
and you can spend your days
just as you please,
dozing in and out of dream
while we hold down the corners of reality.

©Wendy Mulhern
August 6, 2016

Caregiving

signs of heaven

We look for signs of heaven
in our cool living room
(sheltered from summer heat)
when the old man awakes from sleep
and asks, are all my sisters gone?

I lived a good life, he says.
Yes, you’ll make it in alright, I say.
I ask him what he thinks it’s like,
and if he thinks he’ll see them.
He says a little; I don’t press it

For I feel we’ve touched, perhaps,
a depth I haven’t seen in some time
(or maybe ever)
I listen, instead, to the sound of traffic
coming in the open window.

©Wendy Mulhern
July 28, 2016

Cygnet

swan and cygnet1

The message is clear —
there’s time for what you need —
There’s time for you to nap on the shore
when the wind is boisterous
and the waves contrary
and the journey is too long for youswan and cygnet3

There’s time for you to tuck your head
and gather strength. Your parents
will wait and stand guard
while you sleep

Heir of grace,
you will be guided
through these ungainly times
before your white flight feathers.
You are every bit as loved
in your gray garb
as you have always been,
as you will ever be.
Months will deliver you
into your splendor,
but now you can take
all the time that you need.swan and cygnet 2

©Wendy Mulhern
July 14, 2016

At Home

house front

We move in the easy circles
of things we have practiced
without thinking about it,
rounds of companionship and conversation,
movement and sitting still and not talking,
held together in the matrix of the music

It wasn’t always like this,
but maybe now we have learned
enough of our home base,
enough of our center,
that after we disperse,
when we come back,
we’ll find this place again.

©Wendy Mulhern
May 18, 2016

Retrospective

gateway

What forms us, what
makes us what we are,
what brings us to this place,
this state of being?

(Certainly it’s early
to wax retrospective,
with this, the greatest work
of our lives, before us)

(Clearly we have seen,
the story of our past is
the product of our present lens,
it shifts with each tilt of the head,
it doesn’t show us anything)

And yet, there is a fullness
in this sunny afternoon
flooded with memories,
there is a fondness
for what we have been,
however foolish

There is hope that all will yet bear fruit,
and all will be forgiven,
there is time
to let our lives unfold.

©Wendy Mulhern
May 7, 2016

Not My Battle

sun rays in yard

This is not my battle,
this is not my battle,
I can let it go

This is not something
I can lose, not by wrong moves,
not by neglect,
this is not something that would benefit
from the weight of my anxiety.
I will not throw my weight around,
even in the privacy
of my own mind

This is something
that is well handled
by something much greater
than my small repertoire
of strategies

This is not my battle.
This is a time for me
to watch and learn.

©Wendy Mulhern
March 29, 2016

What I Remember

dead thistles

I came to this place falling,
dodging the clattering false
dichotomies (strict or permissive,
realistic or lovely)
bearing the angular unhappiness
of life as taught
(so far removed from my longings)
settling for (seeing no choice)
the indifferent acceptance, the
provisional belonging,
taking for granted the gray
gaping loneliness
stretched in long swaths
across my days

No, not this! Not this,
rather, what was there through it all,
the deep hopes (that glinted, often helpless,
behind the machinations),
the quick stolen acts of kindness,
the moments of honest expression
whose light spilled out
over all the darkness
and saved me, really,
time and again. Those were the real gifts,
the ones they intended all along,
the ones we intend, too.

©Wendy Mulhern
March 23, 2016

Leave Taking

Leave taking

I leave you
in the hands of Love,
I trust Love’s knowing of you
to be the one most satisfying thing
I can imagine for you

I leave you
in the hands of Truth, knowing
there is no other source
of what you are,
and it establishes you
in dimensions I can’t even start
to fathom

Life holds you
in the comprehensive grace
that marks each one of its creations,
I leave you
knowing
you are never left alone.

©Wendy Mulhern
January 31, 2016

Vessel by Jennifer McCurdy, photo by Josh Liebowitz